So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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