I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
