it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
