she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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