Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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