He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
