i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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