She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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