my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
