he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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