did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
