I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
