I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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