i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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