I want to make a zoo with you.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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