i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
