Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
