My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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