I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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