yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
we should paint friendship bongs
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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