just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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