i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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