4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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