She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
