My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
