she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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