frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
