I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
