Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
