I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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