You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Even my vagina gasped.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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