I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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