I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize