hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
