just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I don't think brook has ever known best
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
