in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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