He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
