Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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