I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
