my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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