guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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