I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize