The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
