Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
