So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
