I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize