My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
