You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
