This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
