please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
