And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
