ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
