"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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