Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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