Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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