its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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