My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
