I love black thongs
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
